As the last few weeks have unfolded I have dated a lot and found ONE person that I would like to continue to date… Not a relationship.. but just date.. I went to Visit Glen last week and he opened my eyes a little and made me realize.. I need to be alone for a while. He is a little TOO alone but that is his choice. He was fun. We went to Magic Mountain and had a riot. We just hung out the other days and talked and laughed quite a lot. I miss him. He is a hard person but a good friend!! I had dinner with Chris last night and as much as I like him.. I think he was such an asshole the last few months we dated. I am now starting to believe he will be a great friend… But as a boyfriend… I seemed to have dodged a real Bullitt there.. I do love him now in a different way. But god… he was SO not for me.. I need to start thinking that I am the real catch in any relationship and I need to decide what I do and do not want in a relationship. I believe I am doing that now. I tend to piss guys off after a date and tell them that I just don’t feel it. After all… I am ME!!! Guys have always liked me. But I need to like them and make sure they have what I want. Not what they do or what they do for a living or what they have or what they can do for me!!! CLARITY IN THAT AREA HAS COME TO ME….FINALLY!!!
Latest Entries »
After 3 weeks … I am fine. I admit to getting a little down once in a while. I was over with Chris yesterday and I was looking at him and listening to him and a moment of clarity came over me. After Ken and I broke up I was talking to his ex-wife and that moment of clarity hit me then also. The Clarity is “This was never going to work” What the hell was I thinking. Towards the end of both relationships… I found myself Trying to conform to what they wanted me to be. I will never do that again. It took 2 times to learn this but I finally did. I am me.. Take me the way I am or Fuck off. I love both of these men. I Really Love Ken and he is a great friend now. I will grow to love Chris more later. I was reading a thing on his computer that described his “Dream Man”. It reminded me of a little 6th grade girl.. in love with a boy.. scribbling his name all over her notebook. It kind of made me sick. Hence… the moment of Clarity. Although.. I did have about 75% of the qualities he wanted… Go figure?
Well I knew something was up the past month but today Chris broke up with me. I believe I loved him more than he loved me. I guess I found that out today. I think we will be good friends. He is just really moody and basically fucked up in so many ways. I thought we had so much in common. He wants a perfect man. It doesn’t exist. He said he just wasn’t happy and was not comfortable in the relationship. I got the OLD line. It’s not you… It’s me. However this time I DO believe it was him. I know we will be friends eventually. But right now I need to be away from him. I think I am going to build a life with these men (Ken and Chris) and it backfires. I know now I will date some day …BUT NEVER AGAIN!!!!
I have been alone this weekend and I have been thinking quite a lot. A year ago I was in the middle of a painful but very needed break-up. 2 years ago I was starting to realize that I wasn’t happy in that relationship but it was agreed upon that it was something that needed to be worked on. I learned a lot from all of this. The main thing I realized is that I will never WORK on a relationship that I know has ended. I learned quite a lot over the past 2 years but mostly in the last Year. When it was finally over I was not looking for another relationship but maybe I was. I did know that I was just SO unhappy in Indiana. In October I started talking to a person who seemed to have so much in common with me and someone who I just had a good feeling about. I knew it was going to be about 3-4 months before I was going to be able to move. When I finally did meet Chris in December it was truly Love at first sight. When I finally got to Phoenix in the middle of January we went head on into a relationship. Around the end of March I was wondering if I had done the right thing. I talked to Chris and he was wondering the same thing. Did we rush into this to fast? After a couple of weeks wondering… We realized that we had differences but they could be worked out and we started to enjoy each other a lot more. Things have been great since then. Chris is an actor and a very emotional person and so am I. Chris is a moody person…. Ken was moody and I hate it. It gets on my nerves because I am .. by nature a happy person. I have learned to deal with that better than I did with Ken. I only put up with what I can and then ENOUGH. I never learned to say enough with Ken. I should have.
I know from talking to Ken that he has been seeing someone and I am so glad for him. He deserves happiness and he was never going to get that with me as long as I was stuck in Indiana. I hope he keeps an open mind with this guy and is not so judgemental with him as he was with me. Right before I moved out I had an opportunity to have a 4 hour talk 
with his Ex-wife, Mary. I have always liked Mary and she SO enlightened me on some things about Ken which all proved to be true. With his education and Job comes an arrogance that is very off-putting. I believe until he finds someone with an equal education and status…who is also gay. Nothing will work. I think he may have found it. I really hope so.
I believe I have found a Lifemate in Chris. It is so different from relationships before. There is both physical and mental attraction. We seem to have the same taste in things and both have the same goals in life. I sometimes believe Ken gave up on me to early. But he did the right thing. So did I. Here in Phoenix I have begun to really find my place in life. I know it will be a journey of a few years.. But well worth it!!!
Well it has been 5 months in Arizona and I love it. I am feeling real good about Chris and I and it seems to be getting better all the time. However, Ian will be leaving to live in Portland and I will miss him a lot. I wish he wasn’t going but he needs to have his own adventures in his life. His mom seems alright about it but I believe she is sad and not trying to let him know how much she will miss him. I know I will!!! I really missed my family this past Memorial Day weekend. It reminded me of past Race weekends and I missed all of them. However it was this weekend last year that Ken and I finally broke up and I was devistated and Felt like shit until I met Chris in December. I have forgiven Ken and I really like him now. But when I think of May to July 2009…He becomes that Fucking Asshole all over. But I AM over it and I do …like I said… really like him a lot now. And I do believe I know what true love is now. I feel so different about Chris than I did about Ken. He is, at times, a little work… but so worth it!!!
I just finished 2 weeks of courier training and I did learn a lot. I am anxious to getting back to my route. I spent the weekend with Chris and had a nice time. I grow to love him more each day. He is such a great guy. I am going back to Indiana for a few days in 2 weeks. I am driving with Mom and Dad .. Mom is going back for the summer. I was thinking about going to Chicago but I may not. I am looking forward to being by myself for a while!!!
I have been sick for the past 2 days. I had to call in sick today. I would have been in a driving class and 6 hours on the road with bathroom issues wasn’t going to happen!! Ken went to Palm Springs for a few days and I saw the pictures on his blog. When he told me I thought of the great times we had there and started thinking about the trip we took a year ago. Instead of feeling sad or melancholy .. I was actually happy that he got away for a nice time. I know how hard he works and he deserves a break once in a while. I found myself feeling very happy for him. I still miss him at times… but not in a relationship way. Just in a great friend way. He is such a great guy.
I spent the weekend painting with professor Chris. He upset me on Friday night with a conversation we had. It was O.K. after I calmed down. He was just saying what was on his mind. I think he will be surprised one day when something bothers me and I tell him How I feel. I felt at first just saying Fuck it!!! But I couldn’t. I do love him and respect what he said. It did have validity!! All in all I had a real nice time with him and his hair! He is a sweet and caring man!
I have been here in Phoenix for 3 weeks. It gets better every day. I am happy… SO happy with my relationship with Professor Bradley. He is so great for me. I have never felt like this towards someone … Ever! Work is great.. getting to know more people every day. They have all been nice.. except one and I have learned from about 30 people .. He is just a jerk in general. I helped the Professor put a new sink in his bathroom last weekend and had a great time in general. This weekend I think we will be painting his bedroom. I know it will be fun.
I found out that I will be leaving Indianapolis on Jan 10th and will report to a new post in Scottsdale Arizona on Jan 17th. I will be a courier for FedEx now… This has been an interesting past 10 years. I am in now in the process of putting the past 10 years in perspective. I have taken care of another human being. I have lost that Human being and I was the favorite person to that human being. I miss my grandma very much. I get teared up by just thinking about it.
I have been under the Influence of drugs to many time in the past 10 years and in the past 5 years it has been at a minimal. Just a couple of slips. I know I am done…
I have learned what it was like to be in Love and in a passionate loving relationship. I have also learned the pain of loosing that passionate and loving relationship. Sorry Ken. I will always love you in many ways and miss you a lot…. at times!
I have learned just who and who isn’t my friend. If you can’t take 5 minutes out of your day once in a while to say “hi” or take some time to have dinner or lunch with me… Than fuck you!!!
I have made some great friends here just as I am about to leave! I know 2 of them will follow me when I leave. Kim and Dave will be in my life forever… I just know it. Ken will not be in my life forever… he will always be a big PART of my life and will always be IN my life forever. He is and always be a great friend. I am sorry things didn’t go the way either of us wanted. I miss you so much at times… I think I said that earlier.
I have been talking to and met 3 people from the Phoenix area that I know will be in my life for a long time. 2 will make great friends and 1 is someone I have never felt anything like this. Not even with Ken. It took about a year for me to fall in love with Ken and about a year to fall out of love. With this guy in Phoenix.. I felt Love at first sight. I know it sounds cliché But I felt it and so did he! We are now seeing where this goes!
I will miss Indiana and the past 10 years ..I am grateful for the “Grandma” experience and the “Loving Ken” experience.. The past 10 years has made me much more experienced, grown up, Loving, kinder, sweeter, more
giving man! I have a lot of things and people to that for that!!…… But it is definitely time to move.. not on.. but forward!!
